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I find myself...

I find myself more curious than confident.

Looking at the world from inside of our home, the words of W.B.Yeats in The Second Coming come to mind,

The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.

How is it possible to not look on and wonder, what is happening?

The constraints of living at home during a pandemic leave a lot to be missed. The winter experience of relating with people through little boxes on computer screens and watching life on TVs, has an impact that I am not yet able to make sense of. It is a time of observing people from a distance, and in limited ways, and while we have been working to make the best of it, there is a profound sense of incompleteness.

I spend a lot more time noticing the internal flurry of thoughts and questions, the disturbances that rumble and mix with the gratitude for all that I have that makes it possible for us to be safe.

There is, however, uncertainty, and while this can be uncomfortable, I don’t think it is a bad thing. It seems to be a good time to dwell more in questions than answers.

I have spent more time reading, and listening to podcasts, that track longer arcs of history, sensing the roots of now, and that now is not permanent.

I have been walking with hope, and no expectation of hopeful outcomes. A sense that small things are important, and they don’t change big things. Yet not doing small things changes everything.

The biblical phrase of Paul’s letter to the Romans has been rolling around in my head,

“If you have hope, this will make you cheerful.”

A dance between the importance, and the uselessness of hope. A way of being through whatever life brings. When I have experienced pain, suffering, turmoil, and confusion, I have known the refreshing balm that can come from the cheerfulness of someone who possesses hope, lightening the weight for even a brief moment.

Questions, uncertainty, and incompleteness can feel hopeful. Curiosity can feel hopeful. It feels like this is a time to let great questions rise to the surface, as our friend Judith Snow has said,

“A great question refuses to be answered. So it keeps leading us into deeper connections with each other and into deeper thinking.”

It feels like this is a time to just “stay” with the questions, together.

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